Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward reaching over there. It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing. The first two entries (about Monica Lewinsky and vegetarians) are common jokes tacked on much later at other times the list included some or all of the following additional entries:Ĭan you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. Like most items of this ilk, this list circulated for many years, with new items being added and others dropped off as it trudged from inbox to inbox. Rooney did have a lengthy career as a writer, so some of these items could conceivably have come from his older pieces.) There were some quick giveaways that not everything on this list came from the pen of Andy Rooney: making risqué jokes about Monica Lewinsky and "morning arousals" just wasn't his style he wouldn't have written "I live in Los Angeles" since he was a long-time east coast resident and was well into his 80s at the time this piece began to circulate, so he was not likely to have been speaking of his grandmother in the present tense. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'" Beep. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.ĭid you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi! It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. They use words like 'Cripes' - 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. Men and women are different in the morning. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."ĭid you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Gee, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees. One compilation of various political observations we previously covered was a prime example of widely-circulated Andy Rooney apocrypha, as was the following example from 2003:Īndy Rooney on Monica:Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. Andy Rooney, the curmudgeonly commentator who closed every Sunday broadcast of television's 60 Minutes news magazine with a (typically sardonic) essay about some aspect of everyday life, was - thanks to the Internet - as well-known for what he didn't say as he was for what he really did say.
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